Stabbings, phone snatching, robberies and train drivers' strikes: living in London is a survival game that isn't for the faint of heart. To our rescue comes our saviour Sadiq Khan with a plan to "turbocharge" economic growth.
No, your council tax isn't going down as part of this plan. And neither are any of your other taxes. To fuel economic growth across the capital, the mayor has unleashed the full power of his creativity and is going to try something that has never been tried before: an innovative mix of socialism and wishful thinking.
To be fair, the plan does have a few interesting bits, mostly around investments in tech and AI. But considering that most of our trains aren't allowed to drive themselves thanks to the train drivers' unions, who would starve without drivers, I will not be holding my breath for "AI" to make London's bloated public sector more efficient. Today's technology could solve many issues already, but it isn't being used due to political blockers. AI will soon face the same challenges.
The mayor's plan will supposedly create 150,000 new jobs -- who knows if this will be enough to make up for the jobs we're losing thanks to his party's hike in national insurance. Rent controls will be part of the plan (don't we love regulating our way to a "perfect" society), and so will even more public spending and asking the central government for more devolved powers for London.
The plan is, of course, for Sadiq Khan to keep even more money for his administration to spend, because the recent record hikes in council tax just weren't enough.
We're just a few tax increases away from making the economy better and crime disappear. Just another little bit of tax and everything will get better. It will happen any moment now.